Well, one one the most difficult things in the world is to give Christ his proper place in relation to us. No matter my own intention, I always find myself tripping up because something manages to get in the way. As far as my will goes, I always strive to pursue his will above my own, and yet the struggle can be awful sometimes. It is no easier because I can't always tell the difference between false accusations and true guilt. I never deliberately choose to put Jesus on a back burner. But when there is something I want, especially when it's something I have yet to attain, the struggle is incredible. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't be surprised: I am a fallen human, and is this not a struggle even the most devoted Christians face? But on the other hand, I know myself too well, and I know my tendency to be too hard on myself. And so I'm left with this paradox, feeling that at once I have to turn my gaze more fully on Jesus and that I am accusing myself when I simply need to trust him more. I think, perhaps, there might be a combination of both going on. Of course we all struggle to make Jesus our first love, however much we may love him. Perhaps at least in part it is because we can't see him face to face as we do a beloved friend or spouse: and so naturally our eyes turn more readily toward what we can see. I think that is why he has given us physical and visual manifestations of his love, because otherwise we simply would not have the strength to keep out eyes on him. Of course, we all fall short of faithfulness sometimes, but I think that at least some of those times we have fallen because we sought to be stronger than we were and did not rely on his strength instead of our own. That is, we sought to be so spiritual that we denied our physical humanity, and we failed.
Not that this is something new, but this is a struggle I have been facing recently, and I am agonized because I don't know what the source is. Is it a matter of repentance, or mere weakness that needs healing? Is it both; is it my fault or merely a trial? I could speculate a hundred different situations that all sound plausible but that I could not be sure were the right explanation of my struggles.
I suppose sometimes our sanctification involves persevering, however imperfectly, in trusting God even when our weaknesses seem to prevail and we cannot find a resolution. But I would at least like to know if the problem is my own sinfulness or just my own anxiety -- because I do overanalyze a lot. What is this block that seems to loom up between me and the most extravagant of all Lovers even at the most intimate moment? I have noticed it often arises because I am afraid it will; fear is often somehow involved. I know this about myself: anxiety often raises blocks in my spiritual life. And through it God has taught me immensely. I see the powerful work of Love in what he has done for me through my weakness -- I am grateful. But it does not mean that I like to be weak or that I do not seek to be freed from that weakness. It is my seeking to be freed from it that, I feel, he has used to help me grow. And I praise him for the depths of my soul that he has opened through that. He always does that, for each of us: and he is to be praised for it. As a side note, do not despair even in the most persistent weakness, for if you persevere in waiting of the Lord and calling his name, expecting deliverance even if you do not know when, and relying on his strength even when you do no feel it, you will be sanctified. He never fails to deliver on that promise; but it is a slowly maturing fruit, one born of endurance. But it is well worth it, I assure you. I have not even seen all the fruit of his work in me, and I can already attest to its beauty.
So for the moment I rest although I am not certain whether the struggle I face is primarily born of sin or anxiety. I feel that there is some element of both; I suspect a large portion of it is anxiety. And so, knowing that he is deliverer, I will wait on him.
Wait on the Lord, whatever desert you may be in. He is the Living Water and the Bread of Life. You will live if you cling to him even if you are at death's door and have not an ounce of strength left in you. For then you are in a perfect position to be filled with his life and his strength, which of course is the only thing that bears fruit in you and allows you to imitate him. You are called to imitate him and to persevere in love, which is holiness: but not by your strength--never by your strength. Your task is to open yourself to receive him and to accept what he sends you, forever crying out to be filled. We are all beggars in the kingdom, but by reason of this the richest of all. For only the beggar has room to be filled with the immeasurable riches of his glory. So come to him empty, and you will be filled. But remember that you must be willing to be patient.
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